Seriously, are you ready for some football?

As the temperature drops and chili returns to bar menus, I know it’s time to dust off my copy of  “How To Watch Football on Television” by legendary broadcaster Chris Schenkel. Perhaps the only book ever to take on the sport of viewing of sports, it can transform you from casual fanboy to La-Z-Boy Lombardi in the equivalent of a Super Bowl halftime. Before breaking down the forward pass and fake field goals, Schenkel addresses the state of televised professional football in the early 1960s:

Unique in 1964 were weekday night telecast of NFL games, and several doubleheaders on Sunday. Viewers are now able to watch a complete game in the East, followed by a complete game in the West—nearly six hours of professional football in one afternoon.

This has prompted some people to be concerned over the possibility of oversaturation. Johnny Unitas, the great quarterback of the Baltimore Colts, feels that overexposure could kill football. Said Unitas, “People are going to get tired of seeing so much pro football on television. Part of the lure has been the fact that it hasn’t been easily attainable for the fans”

Clearly Johnny Unitas was an idiot. Americans would take football intravenously if they could. Hell, I watch six hours of pregame coverage a weekend. Schenkel continues with some unrefutable reasons to skip the stadium and watch the game on your couch:

The close-up lens of the camera almost makes you part of every play. You’re always on the fifty-yard line. There’s no weather problem inside your own home. And the lady of the house can make your favorite snack or beverage a lot more attractive than the stadium vendor does.

In addition to being a Hall of Fame broadcaster, Schenkal was obviously a super cool guy. You know he never drove, drank, or dated an import. All American. All the way. Even more proof of his awesomeness:

In the absense of curvy cheerleaders in short skirts, the best morale-builder a professional team can have is its defensive unit. It gets you the ball back!

Man I’d love to watch TV with that guy. Dynamite analysis all around. And you never know whether he’s being genuinely enthusiastic or genuinely creepy:

A throbbing climax to a tight football game is the scoring attempt in the final two minutes of action.

Wow. Not subtle. So if you’re ever lucky enough to come across a copy of “How To Watch Football On Televsion”, do yourself a favor and buy it. Chris Schenkel will teach you that a team has four downs to gain ten yards, or else it surrenders the ball to the other side. He’ll also teach you how to tell the lady of the house to keep the Fritos coming and open you up another god damn beer. I keep a copy in my back pocket all season long.