I don’t negotiate with identity thieves

Today we will be learning how to properly deal with an identity thief. Read the following email I recently received and see if anything arises suspicion:

I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent ,am in a kinda tight situation here and need some help urgently, actually, Angela and i are stuck in London and need help getting back home,we came down here to visit a resort on vacation,unfortunately we got mugged at gunpoint, our bags, cash and cards and cell phone were stolen at GUN POINT, it’s such a terrible experience for us,right now we just need help flying back home, good thing is we still have my passport, just need some assistance (financially) getting back home,please i need you to help me out. promise to refund you as soon as i get back ,
please get back to me asap – Tim

Hmmm. Seems like a pretty standard request from a friend. Tim was on his honeymoon at the time. But it just didn’t seem to add up.

You see, Tim and his lovely bride were in Mexico, not a “resort” in London. Also, Tim is a very literate lawyer who wouldn’t have composed an email consisting of a single run-on sentence littered with grammatical errors. Finally, he isn’t a shithead identity thief.

I checked around with some friends and sure enough they got the same email. So when my Gchat window popped up with a message from Tim, I knew I had to act:

Tim: you there ?
Me: dude you’re a mexican thief. get bent fucker.
how fucking dumb are you?
seriously go die somewhere.
send me your western union address and i’ll mail you a hot piece of shit so you can eat it and smell better you fucking shitface mother fucker i’ll cut your god damn face open.
got anything to say you little piece of shit?
didn’t think so. die.
Tim: go fuck ur mama
Me: you’re the world’s worst con man
how dumb are you?
Tim: am justa 19 year ols
rucher than u
Me: oh you’re justa 19 years old?
Tim: richer than u are
Me: seriously, you smell like a diaper
Tim: u are just a miserable
poor american
Me: go fuck a chihuahua
Tim: i own a house in Ca
wat do u ave ?
Me: i have dignity
and your mom’s virginity
Tim: i drive the latest toyota camry
u ?
Me: Camry?!!?!
Nice car, grandpa
real thuggish
How much money did you collect on this master scheme?
God you’re dumb.
Tim: ii make about 2,700 a day
least
sometimes 10,000
Me: Well, here’s hoping that you get thrown in jail and you’re family feels such shame that they disown you and you’re left alone and die
Tim: ok well, thanks for spening enough time for me to hack in2 ur facebook and gmail

Whoops…might have taken that a bit far. I guess I was reverting back to my middle school days of harassing strangers in AOL chatrooms. Real smart.

So, if you ever find yourself in a showdown with an identity thief, just ignore, delete, and change your passwords. And if you see a young, tech-savvy Latino driving a Toyota Camry, please send me an email immediately so I can get a running start.